HONOLULU—At the latest Department of Education board meeting, Superintendent Keith Hayashi announced that the state-run education system has failed in its attempts to educate children and will now act as their parents.
"We have f****d up the system to the point it's non-salvageable," said Hayashi to the nine-member board. "So rather than developing a solution that doesn't involve a multi-level bureaucracy, we will now implement total control over our keiki's lives."
Assisted by representatives of Panorama Education, Hayashi and his team of 358 deputy superintendents, assistant superintendents, interim assistant superintendents, complex-area superintendents, principals, and vice principals spent approximately five hours outlining their plan to eliminate parents altogether as an influencer for their child's life.
"We're starting with innocuous student emotional learning surveys so we can find out which children are the weakest...where their home lives are not as strong as others," said Cara Tanimura, Interim Assistant Superintendent of the Office of Strategy, Innovation and Performance. "But please don't let the parents know that this is the gateway to pushing them out altogether."
As the nation's only state-run education system, Hayashi said he believes their autocratic, non-accountable methods from the previous educational structure...where they "kind of" used to teach math, writing, and how to think on your own...will help them quietly sneak authority from the parents. "With no accountability to local school boards, where the board members actually live and work alongside the parents," he said, "we can make decisions that are in our best interest. Screw the old family structure!"
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